Being a Performer

A couple of months ago I was invited to be apart of Melinda Vail’s weekly Facebook Live event. It was basically a very fun “get to know one another” event. When it was almost over, she said something to me I will never forget. She said (paraphrasing) “You are so down to earth, so real.., this must come naturally to you”.

My response was “No, this is something I have really had to work at.”

Being authentic (for some of us) is hard work. We want to be liked. We want to be popular. We also want to be perceived as smart, or talented, funny, loyal, hard working, trustworthy, or etc.., etc…

So some of us take that on in a serious way! For me, it meant that most of my adult life I spent performing for others. Trying to get their approval or acceptance. Trying to control their perception of me. Basically trying to be all things, to all people.

By the time I figured this out.., I was exhausted. I couldn’t do it any longer. And the worst part is, when you’ve spent your whole life performing for others, it can be really hard to know what and who you really are. Suddenly, you have to figure out what actually matters ‘TO YOU’!

So I have spent the last ten years, trying to stay out of performer mode. Paying attention to what matters or resonates with me. And conversely, what doesn’t.

Usually just about the time I think I’ve finally moved beyond the role of “performer”; it shows up again. Like this weekend!!

I am participating is a workshop that is stretching my boundaries and beliefs. It is expanding concepts and ideas beyond what I am use to. What I am comfortable with. I can feel the truth and rightness of much of what I am hearing. Yet, I also can feel a resistance.

When I really sat with the resistance, I knew I was afraid of what others might think of me. Concerned with how I might be viewed if someone recognized this internal shift or change!! Suddenly I’m on familiar ground. This resistance is something I know well.

The good news is that in the past, whenever I slipped back into performer mode.., I would beat myself up internally. It always felt as if I were back at square one, and had learned nothing.

This time, as much as it feels familiar.., it also feels different, because I am different. I know this resistance well, and I know how to work with it and even how to let it be okay.

We are human. We have patterns, habits, attitudes and beliefs that are an integral part of our journey of self-exploration. They are the flags, that when they are waved, signal that we are close to the next transformational crossroads. That we are nearing a choice point.

I’m clear that I can choose to stop my own growth and expansion in order to ensure that others remain comfortable with their current perception of me. But I also know, that is not what’s going to happen here.

I am committed to this spiritual journey. And even though I may be stepping outside my comfort zone.., I am still committed to “keeping it real”…, even when part of me wants, or thinks it would be easier, to slip back into being a performer!

With Light, Love, and Laughter
Charles

8 Comments

  1. Charles, the fact that you are so willing to expose yourself in this article shows that the ‘performer’ in you (your Ego) is ready to allow the love and light that it fears to come streaming in as it relinquishes its control over to your ‘authentic self’. I know the ‘game’ well for ‘soul integration’ was my main challenge this time around – as it is for most. May you be blessed by the love and light that now freely flows through and from you.

    Reply
    • Thank you Joseph for your words of encouragement and insight. It means a lot!

      Reply
  2. Charles, this really resonated with me. It’s so interesting that the word ‘performer’ brought up feelings of ‘this or that.’ As in, performing well at my job; doing it efficiently, well and moving on to the next task. Or, performing, as in the retail work I do interacting with the public, which entails a sort of dance where we turn on our best face…our most enthusiastic self…our most knowledgeable offerings to give the client a magical experience at our store.

    Lately I’ve been doing a lot of both, but finding more and more difficulty in recharging my batteries when I step back from it at the end of the day. Now I can see that the struggle might be trying to keep up both performances and not lose myself completely.

    Thank you for sharing your journey. To me, your love and light always shines through.

    Reply
    • Thank you Teresa for adding your own reflections and insights. This gives me a few new areas to observe and pay attention to! Thanks for the support/encouragement!

      Reply
  3. You know I love this post….and I love and cherish being on this journey of illumination and realization with you, Dear Friend. And that image could not have been more perfect!! 💞

    Reply
    • You know there should have been two performers in that pic!! 🤓👍

      Reply
  4. Many thanks for sharing. This is my life story, and exactly what I’m going through right now. Very comforting to know, another kindred spirit.

    Reply
    • Yes Pati.., kindred spirits! Thanks for connecting.

      Reply

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