I have been feeling like I am being tested! Of course, this testing is courtesy of the Universe. I don’t normally like to view my life lessons as a test. In fact most of the time, even when I am moving through a situation that is uncomfortable, I believe it is happening ‘for’ me, not ‘to’ me. So this feeling of being tested, usually indicates I am feeling like a martyr or victim.
Yuck.., Being a martyr or victim never feels good, once you recognize it. But, whenever I get caught up in feeling like I am being tested; I know to look here first.
Friday night Annie Bossingham lead/channeled an event at the store. Really it was an introduction to a two-day event they will be doing here in Phoenix next month on navigating the paradigm shift that is happening all around us. There were so many aspects we covered that I can’t wait to go deeper with. But the one that seemed the most timely for what I am experiencing right now was the ‘Crisis of Compassion’.
They broke down compassion into three parts: love, intimacy, and caring. As a part of a response to a question about how to work with the challenges around compassion; they said to look at each situation and see where we are at with these three components … And we would start to see how to shift those energies.
When I think about my current situation where I feel I am being tested… I realize that my sense of compassion is in crisis too.
My mother, Ruthie lives with us. We built a guesthouse for her almost nine years ago, so it is just a few yards from our back door to hers. And it has been a real treat having her here. I had not lived near my parents (or any of my siblings for that matter) since I was 19.
At the same time, she has been through a lot since she got here. Open heart surgery, followed by another event that permanently damaged 60% of her heart, leading to eventually having a defibrillator that works a bit like a pacemaker, implanted in her chest.
And for the past year she has been dealing with memory loss from dementia. She is still very alert and aware. She recognizes us, but her short term memory is challenged and that is very disorienting for her. She no longer drives, and I take care of her finances and medications. It’s all fine, and at the same time.., it is hard.
She is declining. And for me…, I never imagined myself as a caretaker. A provider yes.., but caring for another; not so much.
This past week she has fallen three times. One time lead to a 7hour visit to the ER for a sprained foot. Immediately this changed from a “keeping your eyes on mom” to “taking care of mom”. It went from oversight to emersion in her life. And I have been freaking out a bit.
Sometimes I can’t help but feel tested. Which leads to feeling guilty about my resistance to even having to do this in the first place. This is where a review of the components of compassion comes into play.
I have no doubt about the love I have for my mother. She is probably the best example of “opposites attract” in my life. Our world views could not have been more different! And yet, by living with each other, we discovered that we were never that far apart and from the perspective of love.., those differences never mattered anyway.
Caring is pretty easy too. Mom is someone who is easy to care about. She is a character for sure, but a very sweet one. With her New England accent and a knack for story telling and self-deprecating humor; she is easy to be with and to care for.
However when I think about intimacy. I can feel the rub. I didn’t really ever want to look to deeply at her finances. However, that is easy compared to dressing her or getting her into the bathroom. I have officially seen more of my mother than I ever wanted to see.
But that is not even the real challenge with intimacy. It is looking at her morbidity and her mortality that is hard. It is watching someone you love and care for decline with both age and illness. It is witnessing her struggle to stay motivated to fight for health and vitality that she feels slipping away. It is watching her independence slip away and what that does to her.
I am not being tested. I am being invited to be a part of the journey of life that is the precursor to death. And the truth is this demands an even deeper level of intimacy than I ever imagined. Who knows how long this journey will be and what it will require? But what I know right now is by allowing more Love, Caring and Intimacy in our lives…versus resisting them., we are all helping to heal the Crisis of Compassion. And that is a good thing!
With Light, Love, and Laughter
Charles
Hello Charles, oh, my, I understand more than you can imagine… I took care of my own mother for almost 12 years until her passing 3 years ago… dementia, falls, heart attacks, anxiety attacks, broken bones, casts that she didn’t understand and tried to cut off, etc. Interestingly, it was one of the best experiences of my life. The definition or components of compassion have another aspect, if you use the established definition… compassion is the ability to feel another living being’s experience, and here’s the operant part of the sentence, coupled with a desire to alleviate suffering. Therefore, your response is so natural and healthy… accept all those confusing feelings and the insights necessary to achieve the goal and the how and why and the valuable spiritual awareness and gifts will become clear to you as they unfold. If you need a listening ear, you know where to find me. Love and light for all of you and your sweet mother, Darla
Thanks Darla for sharing your journey and perspective. I get the juxtaposition of the challenge and the “best experiences”. I really appreciate your words of encouragement and support. It means a lot.
Charles, you beautiful, beautiful man. This post shows your courage…telling the truth of your heart, your whole heart. And I resonated so strongly with what you said about being a provider versus caretaker. Real intimacy (in to me see), what a big fur ball of a lesson. Sending love and compassion, my friend!
Thanks Julie.., I realize that so many people view themselves as caretakers. Here to be in service to others. I just never felt like that was a life focus for me. And the provider seemed to be a great way to compensate instead… And, of course there are times when writing a check is the right option. Yet I also realize it does not require any intimacy to do that! Thanks for the cute word play with the word. If I have seen or heard that before, I don’t remember it!
The “challenge of compassion” is a tough one for me. I also have an ailing Mother but thankfully she is being taken care of by her husband of 60+ years. My “challenge” is my 30 year old alcoholic daughter. Compassion for an aging loved one is somewhat easy to conjure up. We all get old and we can see ourselves in our loved one someday. But alcoholism is a maddening disease. I will always love my daughter. The caring becomes a bit tricky. Helping without enabling–how to know what that looks like. Keeping myself and my granddaughter, who I care for, healthy is also challenging. Most days I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or hit something. And intimacy is a pipe dream. The alcoholic is solitary, secretive and untrustworthy. So I too continue to ask what am I to learn from this situation. Some days I am able to feel a calm center in myself that just accepts and lets all unfold. Other days uncertainty and chaos take hold of me. Maybe my lesson of compassion is to apply that compassion to myself and see where that leads? Thanks for sharing Charles and opening this forum for self exploration. Sat nam, Georgia
Thank you Georgia for adding your challenge to the mix and looking at how compassion plays a role and can be very different based on circumstances… Including addiction. And YES! Compassion for Self!
Oh Charles! I know exactly what you’re going through, had the same kind of situation with my mom. It’s very difficult, especially with the role reversal. You are now the “parent”. You do have a wonderful situation with your guest house. That will make it much easier for you. If it gets to the point that won’t work anymore, you’ll have other options. Ruthie is such a gem! It’s so obvious the apple didn’t fall far from the tree! Lots of love, light, and blessings to you, Fito, and Ruthie on this part of your journey.
I did not know you went through this with your mom Karen. Mad props! Thanks for always being supportive and sharing your insights! And we all love the Love! Thanks for sending it!
Oh sweetie, what a gift you and your Mom are to each other. She helped you into this life, and you’ll help out of this life it doesn’t get more full circle than that. You are both in my prayers.
Love,
MM
Thanks for always being in my corner Mary and for the circle of life perspective! It means a lot!
There are some amazing organizations out there to help people get their feet on the ground. Taking care of aging parents is on the rise so the government has some help to keep you from going off the deep end with the plethora of decisions that you need to make. There is also respite care. Go to: https://aaaphx.org/looking-help/ they have more info in the form of down loads and basic info. Also try: https://adultcareassistance.com/free-senior-resources/free-senior-services/
You are not alone!
Perhaps your new “path” will take you to teach us (your blog people) how to take care of someone gracefully! Love and Light to you and your family as you flow in this new direction.
Karon Lobrovich
Author of Inner Peace the Soul Self Remembered
Thanks Karon for all the information and pointing me in the direction of 3-D help! I have been googling and reading some articles… However many of the sites you end up are ads for something someone is trying to sell. This will be very helpful. Thank you also for sending the warm flow of energy!
My dear Charles, I had no idea you were going through this, an experience so familiar to me. The challenge for me when caring for my Dad was to be present with things as they were in the moment. I was constantly shifting between a longing for how things had been, anticipatory grief, and then judgment. My Dad passed two years ago today. To have a taste of what it was like in the heat of things…https://wordpress.com/post/chakramandalas.wordpress.com/179…I have no doubt you will make this journey with grace and ease, and will inspire many along the way. Thank you so much for your vulnerable and eloquent expression.
I am sure the anniversary of your dad’s death is a sacred day for you Vikki. I know how close you two were. You have described beautifully the shifting emotions and perspectives that I think these situations bring up! Maybe they are always part of the human experience… Past, future, present. Thanks for sharing the link to your writing… And process. I so appreciate your support!
Invited, yes. “Come, passion.”
YES! As always, thanks for being with me!
Once again, Charles, you hit a nerve with everyone in this wonderful post. We all have our own opportunities to grow and remain soulful through our individual journeys. Thank you for reminding us to practice mindfulness everyday.
Thanks Sandy, your acknowledgement means a lot. I smile when I see the word mindfulness. Such a simple concept that is taking years to become proficient in! Yet, I keep moving towards it! Sometimes kicking and screaming (and analyzing!)
Dear Charles,
I understand this place that you are navigating on a daily basis. I think I will just send you a kind smile and a gentle hug.
Sending peace to light your path.
Cheryl Stonick
Thanks Cheryl! You know your caring matters to me!
Thank you Charles for this sharing – of great intimacy & Truth. Your raw courage of expression I’m sure will help many- just from this post. Please hug Ruthie for me…I am moving some energy for her to hopefully lessen/eliminate falls,…and I thank you so much for this post, as I, too, am dealing with mortality – both mine & my Mom’s too. Thank you for Being the You that You Are! ????????
Thank you Andi for these kind words. Thank you for selflessly giving and sharing your healing energies. I am sorry to hear that this is up for both you and your mom. Please know I am here if you need someone to talk with.
Thank you Charles…I love you & your family deeply & as I am more mobile, I intend to just visit & have a long overdue Soul Hello! Good Luck on this Journey. It warms my heart to see you have such true loving support….another Joy of “full circle of giving” that you have shared with your community from Day One! Beautiful to see this Love flow & Honor!
Dear Charles, Your posts are so authentic and supportive for our community. Here is a community resource that might be helpful at some point on your journey with your dear mother.
https://www.hov.org/palliative-care-dementia
Thanks Ellen.., both for your ongoing encouragement and support of my writing and for the link to resources to assist with the current situation. It is so much easier to go to those sites that someone has already filtered through like this one and the ones from Karon below. Thank you!
Hello Charles. You have penned yet another eloquent and open helpful experience for all to draw from. I cannot add to what you have shared — I can only echo the sentiments of those who’ve shared before me. This part of life is indeed an invitation to the next one. The journey while complete with nuggets of wisdom to be applied liberally, is one that is engaged in and traversed with emotions of a new type. Your post reminds me of the journey I made with my Dad 5 years ago and one that I will one day make with my Mother. Full of tears now, all I can say is THANK YOU.
What you have written Carmen is beautiful. I know the truth of “emotions of a new type”! And aren’t we here to experience our full range of emotions, both the mind-blowing expansive and the deepest and most constricting! Sending many warm hugs to the future you that will journey with your mom with the increased awareness of having already done this before with your dad. Thanks for being supportive of this time for me. You know it means a lot!
Thank you for sharing your love and compassion!
You’re welcome Mary. Thanks for the acknowledgement.