I started a 60 day journaling exercise. I am focusing on health and self-healing. Writing about what is going on day to day that affects my mind, body, spirit. Of course since you follow my blog you realize this is an exercise I am familiar with. But for me, by doing it daily I am really becoming aware of somethings that perhaps in the past I have only given minor attention to! What I am most aware of this first week is how much ‘Fear’ affects my life! Darn it!
Now mind you, this is not fear about my 60 days of journaling for self-healing. No, this is simply fear. Fear of not having enough money to pay my bills. Fear of failure. Fear of loss, fear of ‘fear’ being with me for the rest of my life.
I have my own business, which I LOVE! I love what we do, what we offer to people and what we are building as a community. Just a few weeks ago, we celebrated our 7th Anniversary. There are so many wonderful things about this business, and what it brings to my life. But it also brings fear!
You see although we are successful in many ways; we are not thriving yet. We have ups and downs. Good days and bad days. And I have become accustomed to worrying about where the money will come from for us to pay all of our bills. And by the way, these aren’t one-time bills! No, they just keep rolling in. Rent, taxes, salaries, inventory, utilities, supplies, marketing, product development, etc.., etc.., none of these EVER go away!
So far we keep making it… but even this awareness does nothing (or very little) to relieve the fear or worry that I go through. I go through this same cycle constantly. Only to catch my breath when the next bill is paid!
Now mind you, I keep moving, I keep working, I keep my head up. I don’t even imagine that most people know I am in this constant state of stress. It doesn’t really have anything to do with them, so I don’t share it. Or at least I don’t think I do. This isn’t something that is a loud and demands attention (most of the time!). Instead it is subtle and insidious. It is a quiet nagging voice that never quite goes away. Or when it does, it is only for a day or two. But like many of us.., I am good at hiding those emotions that make us uncomfortable.
What happens to the fear I am trying to hide? The fear I pretend is not there, simply try to ignore or put a smiley face on? What happens to that fear, where does it go? When we accept our emotions for what they are, own them and move through them, they are neutralized or released from our field. But what about the ones we try to avoid, stuff or hide? Where do they go?
The answer of course is that they become heavier, denser, and drop into our physical bodies. We all have places within us where we stuff or try to hide our unwanted or unexpressed emotions. Those emotions we don’t want to deal with! Most of us will pack years and years of these emotions away, until like a closet that is stuff with old luggage and outdated equipment and gear, it begins to burst at the seams.., ready for the door to burst open.
Even though the door is bulging at the seams and ready to explode, we have become so accustomed to putting crap in that closet, we keep trying to stuff more in there, because that is what we know. It is our OECC (Old Emotional Crap Closet)!
And just like a junk drawer in the kitchen or that catch-all closet in the hallway, those emotions we have stuffed away… those emotions that we are storing in our bodies eventually start to burst out of the area(s) we are trying to confine them! Maybe our knee joints, lower back, stomach, heart, kidneys, tendons or ???
Without some process for cleaning and clearing out our emotional closets, they eventually lead to dis-ease and dis-comfort in the body. Our bodies are amazing and resilient.., they can handle a lot. But we have to have a way for regular ‘spring cleaning’.
What I am aware of today is that I need to clean and clear old my ‘Old Emotional Crap Closet’ of all the fear that has been building up in there! It is time for a fresh start and time to let that old shit go!
Acknowledging it is a first good start. But I think this calls for a guided visualization or meditation practice to help liquify these old emotional energies and wash them away from areas of my body!!
If you can relate to this.., here is a guided visualization I did for myself this week. Maybe it will be helpful for you too! Find a comfortable spot and give yourself about 10 minutes for an emotional spring cleaning!
With Light, Love, and Laughter