I started a 60 day journaling exercise. I am focusing on health and self-healing. Writing about what is going on day to day that affects my mind, body, spirit. Of course since you follow my blog you realize this is an exercise I am familiar with. But for me, by doing it daily I am really becoming aware of somethings that perhaps in the past I have only given minor attention to! What I am most aware of this first week is how much ‘Fear’ affects my life! Darn it!
Now mind you, this is not fear about my 60 days of journaling for self-healing. No, this is simply fear. Fear of not having enough money to pay my bills. Fear of failure. Fear of loss, fear of ‘fear’ being with me for the rest of my life.
I have my own business, which I LOVE! I love what we do, what we offer to people and what we are building as a community. Just a few weeks ago, we celebrated our 7th Anniversary. There are so many wonderful things about this business, and what it brings to my life. But it also brings fear!
You see although we are successful in many ways; we are not thriving yet. We have ups and downs. Good days and bad days. And I have become accustomed to worrying about where the money will come from for us to pay all of our bills. And by the way, these aren’t one-time bills! No, they just keep rolling in. Rent, taxes, salaries, inventory, utilities, supplies, marketing, product development, etc.., etc.., none of these EVER go away!
So far we keep making it… but even this awareness does nothing (or very little) to relieve the fear or worry that I go through. I go through this same cycle constantly. Only to catch my breath when the next bill is paid!
Now mind you, I keep moving, I keep working, I keep my head up. I don’t even imagine that most people know I am in this constant state of stress. It doesn’t really have anything to do with them, so I don’t share it. Or at least I don’t think I do. This isn’t something that is a loud and demands attention (most of the time!). Instead it is subtle and insidious. It is a quiet nagging voice that never quite goes away. Or when it does, it is only for a day or two. But like many of us.., I am good at hiding those emotions that make us uncomfortable.
What happens to the fear I am trying to hide? The fear I pretend is not there, simply try to ignore or put a smiley face on? What happens to that fear, where does it go? When we accept our emotions for what they are, own them and move through them, they are neutralized or released from our field. But what about the ones we try to avoid, stuff or hide? Where do they go?
The answer of course is that they become heavier, denser, and drop into our physical bodies. We all have places within us where we stuff or try to hide our unwanted or unexpressed emotions. Those emotions we don’t want to deal with! Most of us will pack years and years of these emotions away, until like a closet that is stuff with old luggage and outdated equipment and gear, it begins to burst at the seams.., ready for the door to burst open.
Even though the door is bulging at the seams and ready to explode, we have become so accustomed to putting crap in that closet, we keep trying to stuff more in there, because that is what we know. It is our OECC (Old Emotional Crap Closet)!
And just like a junk drawer in the kitchen or that catch-all closet in the hallway, those emotions we have stuffed away… those emotions that we are storing in our bodies eventually start to burst out of the area(s) we are trying to confine them! Maybe our knee joints, lower back, stomach, heart, kidneys, tendons or ???
Without some process for cleaning and clearing out our emotional closets, they eventually lead to dis-ease and dis-comfort in the body. Our bodies are amazing and resilient.., they can handle a lot. But we have to have a way for regular ‘spring cleaning’.
What I am aware of today is that I need to clean and clear old my ‘Old Emotional Crap Closet’ of all the fear that has been building up in there! It is time for a fresh start and time to let that old shit go!
Acknowledging it is a first good start. But I think this calls for a guided visualization or meditation practice to help liquify these old emotional energies and wash them away from areas of my body!!
If you can relate to this.., here is a guided visualization I did for myself this week. Maybe it will be helpful for you too! Find a comfortable spot and give yourself about 10 minutes for an emotional spring cleaning!
With Light, Love, and Laughter
Charles
Charles, thank you for this. I can totally relate. I find myself in an almost constant state of fear around “not enough.” I also notice that along with the fear comes an equally constant state of looking for, and believing in, the good … the love. I have learned that the trick is to allow the love to be stronger than the fear. Your beautiful gift of the guided visualization is a perfect tool for doing just that. I am grateful for you.
I am holding both of us, all of us, in healing light. We ARE enough, we do enough, we have enough.
Thank you Michelle. I find the whole awareness a little odd… Fear is not predominant for me, yet it also feels like it never quite goes away. So like you, I have found other ways, other emotions or energies to try and balance or override fear. I think that this week I am profoundly aware that ther is a lot of it that I want to hide, stuff or ignore by pretending it doesn’t exist. This is the fear I most want to bring to the surface.., as without dealing with it, it simply becomes stress and builds up over time. And that is not healthy!
Thank you for always being in my corner.., sharing the journey and the insights, tools and processes that work for you! You know how much it means to me!
Charles…great observation about stuffing fear and I LOVE your term “Old Emotional Crap Closet’ that alone makes one laugh and release some stress just saying those words! Thank You! The awareness that you are “stuffing” and still holding fear is definitely the first step. Fear is a tough one and I believe a huge part of our learning experience in this lifetime. There is a saying that I have loved all my life “Fear Knocked On The Door…..Faith Answered…No One Was There”. Faith can be numerous things…religious.. spiritual…awareness of all the help we each have in our guides and angels…we certainly are not alone…..the synchronicity of mutual soul travelers coming into our lives to share the path….the understanding of WHO we really are….PERFECT SPIRITS…..having an earth experience…..Nature in all it’s perfection….and knowing that we all come from the same Source…we are one!. This is what FAITH means to me… And in this LIGHT….the dark cannot exist.
OK….I’m going to go now and take a look in my old emotional crap closet and see what I can discard!!! Thank you…one can really visualize this!
Thank you Donna for sharing your insights and perspective on Faith. I do believe each of us has a dance to do with fear or some other challenging emotion. I know anger is up for a lot of people these days and sadness for many others. The emotions are specific to each person… And just to be clear, I know a lot of people who try to hide uplifting and joyous emotions as well, because that is their dance. Glad to hear OECC works for you or brings in lightness! I so appreciate your support!
Charles, I thought I was the only one who has a ton of fear. Fears about the same type of stuff so I guess this maybe a normal human experience. Fears about …not having the money to pay the bills, fear if I am giving my body the right nutrients to stay healthy, fear about making decisions, Ugh! It’s like I create my own little drama corner. Obviously for me this is a trust/faith issue, not trusting or having faith that the universe will take care of all of this stuff. The fear behaves much like the ringing in my ears. Some days I can hardly tell it is there and on other days it is so loud that it is deafening. I mostly feel fear in my gut, is it any wonder that I have digestive problems. It is always like a computer program that is running in the background. I am aware that it is present. Thanks for the meditation, it was great! I will continue to use it!
Funny how we can isolate ourselves so easily from one another, isn’t it Mary. As if we are the only one we know who..! And I imagine from your beautifully acknowledged post that perhaps the digestive system has been a stealth hiding place for you! Funny how much it begins to make sense once we slow our thoughts down and connect with them. I of course am sorry that you are experiencing the same ebb and flow of fear.., but it is nice to be in your company!
Great blog Charles. I’ve been listening to a Wayne Dyer book on Audible and one quote that really stuck with me is that there are two basic emotions: love and fear. If you are in fear, then love is absent. But where there is love, fear simply cannot exist. Next time you’re aware that you’re experiencing fear, try replacing that with love. You see that POOF the fear just has to go away. It cannot exist in the presence of love.
Thanks for sharing and the tip Jere! I appreciate it!
Looks like you hit a nerve on this subject!! LOVED the article and especially the term OECC !! Not sure if you coined that word or if it’s been around but I gotta share this article!!!
I call being an artist, ” living on the edge!” having no fear to trust where you are now and always looking forward! I have a poem… Hope you don’t’ mind my sharing
It has the energy of living in the moment, trusting instincts.
Coyote Guise
As the artist dresses up
In the trusted coyote pelt
And each time notices
This fur coat fits snug
Like old slippers
Never too tight or too warm
For an artist attending an art show
This is the most prudent costume to run wild
The artist fully dressed in guise
Fluffs fur to appear bigger and healthier
As if to prove thriving
Finds courage to show canine teeth
If when pointy ears hear the ignorant scoff
Never knowing who to trust
Eyes begin to shift
Always watching
Poised to stand attention
Waiting for those comments of “ooohs” and “ahhhs”
Like a well-behaved retriever wagging tail behind
The starving artist is not a trickster
As the coyote is often referred
But when playing the game just right
Affords dinner for another night
Howl at the moon the artist shall do!
And if not, stay aloof
Always observing and waiting
For the right moment to saunter away
Quietly without notice to perhaps eat another day
written by C. Sutherland
I LOVE your poem Christine! I love that it calls in all of the resources of the coyote/artist, ready to shift and adjust as the situation fits! Thank you so much for sharing!
BTW.., we just redid the group space and put a large furniture piece on the wall where your beautiful piece has been hanging since we opened! I thought about taking it home and adding it to my private collection, but so many people said it belonged in the room! It now has a new home on a different wall! Still part of the energy of the space. Joyfully!