Have you ever had that feeling of being all alone, while you are standing in a crowded room? I have been having that sensation a bit lately. At first it is a little unsettling. It is as if everything around me is moving at an altered speed. Sometimes slower, but oftentimes faster, than it seems, I am.
When this happens, it really gives me pause. I find I must check-in with myself. I have to do a quick assessment to determine if there is something wrong or off. You know.., the sensation of being alone is often associated with being lonely. Do I feel lonely in the midst of family and/or friends?
It is not that. In fact I realize I still feel and can find my connection to those around me. I don’t feel disconnected from them. Yet I feel cocooned in their midst. I am there, but instead of being a participant, I am an observer of everything going on around me.
I realize that I am not only ‘not lonely’ – I am actually in a state of non-emotion. I am detached. One with everything, but also separate from all of it. In a state of observation.
And just like that, the awareness or experience of observation is over, and I am right back in the midst of all that is going on!
For many of us, learning to be the observer of ourselves has been a big part of our spiritual evolution. Seeing how we respond to situations, people or events in our lives. Seeing the patterns, beliefs or attitudes our responses reveal is what has allowed us to change them. To transform from earlier versions of ourselves to the next version. And then the next.
Is this the next level of being an ‘Observer’?
In the past my efforts of developing the internal observer were pretty much about watching or seeing how I was interacting or responding to the circumstances of my life. In fact I got pretty good at this!
Sometimes I would be observing my own reaction to someone or something, and could tell that I was responding from a place of ego, fear, arrogance or whatever pattern fit. I might not even backdown or shift my reaction in the moment. But I was still aware of what I was doing.
It is only through these experiences of being aware that eventually I ‘could’ change my knee jerk reaction to something more intentional. Becoming an observer of ourselves is a process that evolves and grows over time. Observing ourselves and then consciously choosing how we respond IS one of the major ways in which we grow!
But what of these new observations? Where the subject isn’t me.., or ‘Self’.., but is ‘other’ or perhaps ‘all’. Is this part of the ongoing process of developing the internal observer?
Funny, as I think about this, there is a part of me that believes that maybe this is how everyone experiences their internal observer, and I am just slow on the uptake! I would love your insights or perspective on your internal observer!
In the meantime, I will be paying attention to these moments of feeling alone in a crowd.
With Light, Love, and Laughter