It’s funny, I have been resisting writing today, which is not normal for me. I love my Sunday morning ritual of coffee and processing the experiences of the previous week. But this past week I have been focusing on shifting and shedding the energies of SHAME!
So how interesting to notice that I don’t even want to share my experience with you. Because somehow, if I was really evolved, there would be no shame in my life! Shame implies something bad, something wrong, something about me. I feel shame for having shame!
Guess that means I am looking in the right place!!
When I first started looking at shame as an area of focus, my first thought was “I’m not someone who walks around feeling shame.., why would I look here?” But when I slow it down and just sit with it, I realize shame is insidious. It doesn’t just manifest as glaring and obvious. Sometimes it is a whisper that comes from a place deep inside of us that no longer is part of our conscious thoughts. Quiet, yet crippling.
For me, it manifests a lot whenever I feel like someone might perceive me in a way that isn’t “nice”. As someone who spent a great deal of my adult life trying to be all things to all people, the weight of performing for the sake of others, eventually became to overwhelming. I had to let that crap go!
And yet, as much as I know I have come a long way in being authentic and true to myself, I am still confronted with situations where I get hooked by what others will think of me. That is shame. That somehow, me being me, is not enough. Or, perhaps if I do (or don’t do) something that someone will think less of me. Seeking approval for what is right for me, from outside myself.
As someone who is much more influenced by the energies of a person, place or situation; it is interesting to notice how much time and energy I will spend trying to talk myself into or out of a situation, (if I think it will change how someone perceives me)! This week I literally tied myself in a knot trying to say the word ‘No’; even though I knew instantly that was the right response. I trust my intuition and hidden senses, much more than my five physical senses these days. Yet, that doesn’t mean my mind and ego remain quiet!
I even had to look at my desire to explain why I was saying “No”. Energetically I knew I would have to say ‘no’.., yet my mind was still trying to figure out how to justify saying it. Maybe I could simply say “something’s come up” or “I am already committed to…”, anything. Maybe if I explained how difficult making the decision was, they would see I was really “a good and thoughtful person”! Dang… The internal shenanigans!
And this is not even the basis of why I began to look at the energies of shame to begin with. I started paying attention to the shame I hold around my body. My weight, my stature, the paleness of my skin, my thinning hair, my creaky knees. It seems like when I start to pay attention to it, there is a ton of it.
And yet, there is a more spiritually aware aspect of me, a healthy adult, that knows that this is limited thinking and emotional blackmail. These rational voices are the ones that I have started pointing me to the impact of these old stuck energies and the need to release them. To shift them so that they are not influencing my daily choices in an unconscious way.
So whether I am focusing on staying authentic or letting go of old limiting beliefs and the memorized emotions I have stored, you can bet that I am in the process of creating a new relationship with myself, where shame is easily recognized and released! And I’m not ashamed to say it! (Okay… maybe just a little bit!)