I love having the answers. From the time I was a young student in grammar school, it was exciting to be called on and hear the teacher say, “That’s correct!” It felt so gratifying and affirming to know, to be right.
As I grew successively into the roles of employee, artist, wife, mother, friend and confidant, it was a source of pride for me that people in my life often came to me for guidance in times of trial. Knowing who I was, what to do, and be able to offer help to others satisfied me and gave me a sense of purpose.
The shift began in 2000 and everything changed. My marriage failed, my creative expression evolved and became more challenging, relationships crumbled, my confidence eroded rapidly. I began my quest in earnest for healing, a deeper spiritual connection, in essence to find out what was “wrong” with me.
In the 15 years that followed, my life has undergone, shall we say, a heavy remodel, basically, demolition to the very foundation. I have viewed this less often as an opportunity and more as tragic loss after loss. Creating mandalas, such as “More Questions Than Answers, Not Simply Black and White”, has been my way to make peace with my experience.
Meeting with Charles just last Wednesday, he offered the suggestion that I teach. I replied that I felt empty, not knowing, without the answers that I assume everyone is seeking.
He said, “What if you invited people into your process and let them see your search?”
This syncs up perfectly with the vulnerability practice I have been studying. It never occurred to me that I could be of value to others as I “sit with the unanswered questions”, which to me seems about as comfortable as letting a large spider crawl slowly up my arm.
Reflecting on Charles’ words, they make perfect sense. These are times of unparalleled transformation and change. I am simply one of the collective who is being called upon to question everything, feel the discomfort of the unknown, and take courageous and confident steps into the unseen future, trusting fully in the benevolent collaboration of the Divine. It is a way to reawaken to the greater truth, and access the eternal part of us that knows on the deepest level. How brilliant that we can encourage each other by being authentic and vulnerable during this process.
I am guest writing for Charles this week and next, if you would like to follow my blog it is https://chakramandalas.wordpress.com/