I wish I had an elegant way to dive into the topic of death, but right now it seems to elude me. And yet, I am thinking about it quite a bit these days. Usually with a prayer involved.
It seems we have this odd relationship with death. An odd relationship that evolves over time. When we are younger we feel immortal. We don’t really invest a lot of time or energy thinking about death. It is something that we think we will deal with later. But the truth is we all experience the loss of people we know or love even when we’re young.
Yet for our society, death has become something we try to avoid. A discomfort or desire to avoid it at all cost. We have created machines and devices, pills and potions and even environments to keep people alive. Some people are kept alive for years without any or very limited ability to use their bodies. They are alive and we think this is good, because death has been delayed.
I am having lots of conversations about death with my mother. She has been taken by surprise by her recent decline. When she is lucid, she wonders aloud how she “got so old, so fast”?
For me I wonder about her death. It appears her body is shutting down. Her mind is letting go. She comes in and out of awareness. Sometimes our conversations are sharp and alert. Others are weak and challenged. Is she in a dance with life or a dance with death.
Dementia is cruel. It changes everything. Conversations, routines, plans, dreams and desires are changeable. In an instant what was.., is forgotten. Even though it is a disease of the mind it affects the body. And it is hard, because the person dealing with it, knows it is happening. They know their mind is going… their memories fail them. First short term, then even reaching back into their past.
They can see their own deterioration… Yet there is little they can do to change the outcome. Perhaps there are exercises, brain games, or structures that can help to slow some of the progress of the disease. But it affects more than just their mind.
I can’t even tell you how many times I have googled dementia and the many physical ailments and challenges… Only to read how common they are for so many people who are living with this disease.
How much of her mind, body function and control or independence must she lose before her body finally give out. She still knows who my siblings and my husband are.., she knows who I am. She recalls conversations and relays details and then repeats them. She is weak and unsteady. And half the time it is not clear if it is physical, mental or emotional. Dementia distorts that.
I find myself praying for her death to come quietly without additional suffering on her part. For death to sweep her into an infinite embrace.
And then I remember that she is my mother and when she dies there will be no more conversations, new memories or interactions. I realize that even this loss is not enough to prevent me from praying for her release from this cruel disease. Death is not the worst thing that can happen to us. I know this in my heart.
Perhaps this is why I crafted the experience of witnessing and supporting her during her decline. So that I could come to terms with my own feelings about death. I am not afraid of death. For her or for me.
With Light, Love, and Laughter
Charles
beautifully described… my sentiments exactly… and I went through the exact same experience with my mother… powerful life lessons… you and your mother are blessed to have this phenomenal experience… as perplexing as they may sound to people from the outside who have never been through it…
It is like many things in life Darla.., you can’t know what it is like until you experience it yourself. Then it is like being admitted to a club with others who share and know what you are talking about. I admit to being naive about it happening to those around me or those I love. It is as if we have natural blinders on (or at least I did!)
Sorry you had to go through this… Glad you are on the other side of it!
Charles
I so understand and Thank you for sharing. I too am watching my 89yo father on this slow downward geriatric spiral. I felt guilty that I want him to pass over to relieve us all of his suffering.
There are lessons for all in the journey to the other side. Your perfectly worded description of “crafted” experience reminds me that my soul chose this family for the lessons I needed to learn for my souls progression.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers during this journey.
Thank you for your blog.
Sherri
Thank you Sherri… I don’t know if I have felt guilty yet for having those thoughts and even prayers.., but I definitely have moments where I think I must have been dreaming, because there are also many occasions where she seems like her old self. Our conversations are light, funny or filled with meaning. Then I think I should be hoping and dreaming of her return to full health. And then it changes again so quickly. So it feels a bit like emotional roller coaster or yo-yo.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers too. Thanks for your support.
Jennifer Green
Charles, this is beautifully written. I am with everything you said…from death is avoided in conversations, what world is she in life or death, you would like her suffering to stop even if it meant she were to pass.. but then you are conflicted by wanting her there. I understand. My thoughts are with you. I find it interesting and wonderful that you let this shape how you feel about death and you shared it. That’s awesome, your mom would love that you aren’t afraid. (Since I am a mom too)
Thanks Jennifer…, she just said to me… “You are getting a lot of comments on your newsletter”… So I think she knows. One of the nice things that is happening is that we are having a lot of these conversations together and finding our way to personal truth through them. She has a many good moments of lucidity and clarity. So we take advantage of them when they are here. Thank you for sharing in this experience and adding your support.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this with your Mother. She is blessed to have you and that you are trying to understand and support her. The good days are to be treasured and you will always have your memories. Death is not the end. Just ending a life as we know it. It is so hard to watch your loved ones suffer and have their memories so clouded. You both are in my thoughts and prayers for peace.
It is interesting Sharon… I am so sorry that she has to go through this.., but I am not sure that it is not perfect for me. As much as I fight, resist, kick and scream sometimes about the whole situation… There is something about it that feels like a huge growth and expansion for me. They say the only thing that is ‘real’ are our emotions… Everything else is perception and illusion. Well I am learning a lot about the nuances of many of our emotions. Thanks for the reminder of the passing stage called death. I know this is true.., and still feels good to be reminded.
Yes, Charles, eloquently expressed again. It brings the memories flooding back of this (very similar) experience with my father, so challenging to stay present within the bitter-sweetness of the last few waltzes together, and yet, they are and will remain treasured times. Love to you, Charles…
Thanks Vikki… You know how much your support and connection means to me.
Ah Charles! I went through the same thing with my mom. It took 5 years and was difficult for me and for her. Although, it got to the point that she wasn’t aware of a whole lot. Of course, we really don’t know how much they are truly aware of. Just because they can’t communicate doesn’t mean they are not aware of what’s going on. I know she learned a great deal during those 5 years and God knows I certainly did. And yes, it was a true blessing when she finally made her transition. We did have some wonderful mystical experiences during this time and I was allowed to “see” some of what she was experiencing those times when she was out of her body “visiting” and preparing for her transition. Know that you have a wonderful support system and you are doing your absolute best for your mom. You being you, you couldn’t do it any other way! We’re all with you!
Thank you Karen for sharing your own journey with your mom. There are so many nuggets of truth to simply absorb. Thanks for always being so supportive and encouraging! AND I know exactly what you mean about what is available to us (energetically) while they are out of their bodies, visiting and preparing. It is mystical.
We all know when we, as the soul, script our life on Earth that it will end in death. We even choose how we want it to look and who we want to ‘play’ with in that process. I went through your same situation over 16 years ago with my mom, but at that time did not have the awarenesses I have today which made the ‘dance’ more conflicting. Those lower thoughts of victimhood, blame, betrayal, etc. would creep in as they attempted to move me away from the oly focus that matters – LOVE. Keep your love tap open to full flow, then enjoy the jouorney your mom’s soul and your soul scripted to celebrate your relationship.
Namaste, Joseph
Thanks Joseph for sharing your journey and perspective. I love the imagery you created with “Keep your love tap open to full flow…” I agree we make many agreement and plans long before we enter time and space. There is so much of this situation that reminds me of this regularly. Of course that doesn’t prevent me from moving in and out of the lower vibrational or constricting emotions… But even that feels like part of the learning and expansion that is here in this unfolding situation.
I went through this with both my parents and for me as difficult as it was seeing their once lively selves deteriorate, I was the one truly blessed by experiencing the passage with them as best I could and now know completely that death does not separate us. Our communication has changed for sure but they are still around. I hope that for you, your mom, and family you are able to find peace in this transitional time. If you ever need a good ear, I am a call away.
Thank you Rebecca for sharing your own journey. I am sure there is much that is going on during these times that really won’t reveal the beauty and perfection until it can be viewed with hind-sight. And, your message is a great reminder to keep looking for and open to blessings.
Charles, You have expressed this so well! It is a gift to go through this with your lovely Mother. I had
the honor of being with my Mother as she crossed over and I will cherish those memories for the rest of my life. The bond of love between the two of you is so beautiful to watch. I feel blessed to know you and Ruthie! As I write this today is my Mother’s birthday. Thank you for sharing your life with me and I know that all will be well for you and your family. I Love you, Jean
I remember you sharing the story of being with your mom and how close you two were/are. Thank you for the beautiful words of acknowledgment for both of us… And trust me we also feel blessed that you are in our lives. Much love back to you Jean!