You’ve probably noticed I don’t really edit my writing. It is a bit of a thought dump…, and if I really took the time to edit for grammar, punctuation and spelling, it would be too much of a task or burden. It would take me so long to “get it right”, that I probably would have given up on writing a long time ago.
I do usually take one good look for those glaring mistakes – which I still sometimes miss anyway.
The process is like this… I write…, I read it out loud to myself or Fito. Fix any obvious problems and then send it off to my trusty tech-guy Paul, who then gets it into the right template/format. When the entire newsletter is done, I get it back and do a review and approval… and send it off for publishing.
What I found last week when I re-read the article (Ebb and Flow) after it was in the final format, was that I feeling ‘guilt’ while reading it. As if my present circumstances seemed too luxurious or like I wasn’t doing enough. I wasn’t “working hard enough”. Or maybe I was just being lazy.
I have to say I was a bit surprised. I hadn’t noticed the guilt before that…, but once I did, I realize it has been there since I made the decision to step back and take this time for myself.
So on the one hand I am thrilled about giving myself this time to be… on the other I feel guilt. These two are incongruent. They actually work against one another.
The thing is, I think we do this to ourselves all the time. How many times do we override our personal dreams or desires because we believe our family, partners, society or some unknown “them” will not approve?
How many times do we feel guilty (fear, shame, or judgement) for simply doing (or not doing) something that we want to do?
I realized for me.., a lot of this is self-imposed, because at one time I was passionate about chasing the dime. That somehow if I worked hard enough, smart enough, and long enough.., I would end up in some Nirvana. I would arrive at some extreme place where I would have, be and possess everything I imagined was “important”. That with enough work and effort I would have “made it”!
OMG.., what does “made it” even mean? And how can I have a beautiful life and still feel like there are so many miles to go before I make it?
Once again I am reminded that for those of us who are committed to self-awareness, our out-dated and often limiting beliefs, biases, attitudes and/or values will surprise us at the most intriguing if not awkward moments.
I knew in that moment, when guilt raised its ugly head, that I needed to release it. Let it go and clean it up. It is the guilt that is off. Not my desire to give myself this time of present moment awareness.
In the past, I think I might have actually succumb to the guilt. I would have felt bad for not ‘doing’ enough and reversed my course or direction.
Not this time. This time… guilt be gone!
With Light, Love, and Laughter