The awareness of how much things are shifting for me right now continues to be revealed. Last week the calmness in the midst of chaos was quite evident. This week it is about setting down the illusion of control.
When I look back at the various times of my life, it is evident that I spent a lot of time trying to control outcomes. Sometimes, feeling like I was having great success. I imagine this is common for many of us ‘mental’ types who tend to run multiple thoughts per second.
Add to this flurry of rapid mental gymnastics, the natural proclivity to live with your thoughts in the future, and you have the perfect recipe for a smug sense of winning or achievement! “Yay…, I got my way!”
As time passes, our lives unfolds in their own unpredictable ways! Most of us end up realizing at some point, that life happens.., while we are busy planning a different version. The idea that we can manipulate, negotiate and control our way through it (unscathed), is either the ego’s arrogance or naiveté!
It’s been a number of years now, that I’ve been aware of the futile nature of “control”. I am clear that plotting, planning, wishing or praying that my stealth attempts at getting my way via some mental super power, is pretty much a waste of time!
BUT.., that doesn’t mean I stop doing it! Instead, now I call it “setting intentions” or “envisioning what I want to create” or “going for my preference”. Which, by the way, I actually do those things too. Yet, this is also how I have been trying to sneak-in some good old ‘control’.
However, for the past few months, I recognize when I am moving into the patterns associated with control. I feel it. I observe the part of me that wants to know and control outcomes. The aspect(s) of myself that wants a guarantee or predictable end result.
I also recognize how this mental activity almost always takes me out of the moment. How there is always a story…, which is often driven by worry or fear. Frequently with a demand for perfection.., an indicator of some internalized shame. (Can you say “Performer”?).
The good news is – I feel like I am recognizing and shifting myself out of these patterns much sooner than I use to. I recognize when I am trying to control the illusion! And in those moments I can make a different choice.
I love it when those things we are working on and that appear to be ongoing lessons, simply drop into place. When they no longer feels elusive. When we recognize a new way of Being with an old challenge or Achilles’ heel! That is how it has been feeling when it comes to the illusion of control!
I know this doesn’t mean I will never be seduced into playing the control-game again.., but I am hopeful that I will sense or feel the heavy resonance of control sooner, and simply release it instead of turning it into a mind game!
With Light, Love, and Laughter