Process, process, process! It seems that everyday there is a new awareness for me in my ever evolving journey toward enlightenment! More these days, than ever before, the lessons, language, messages and insights are starting to come together in a way that might make sense. IF… I pay attention or at least stay open to all that is unfolding.
This week, I have been witnessing old behaviors and coping mechanisms. They reveal how they have hindered my personal desires for shifts and change… with the realization that they have been with me for a LONG time. These are the ways that I thought I was coping or even growing in the context of some situations. In reality… Not so much! Let me describe a couple that have come up this week.
The first is replaying or rerunning a situation or conversation over and over in my mind! Most of the time, when I catch myself doing this, I am aware that it has been going on for awhile. By the time I catch what I am doing… I am emotionally on edge. I feel tense or angry, frustrated, martyred, or.., (any number of other feelings)!
This week, I found myself reliving an e-mail I received 6 or 7 years ago! In the e-mail a manager from another area in the company, basically said some things that felt disrespectful. And my boss who was copied on it.., responded in a way that felt like my options for retaliation were limited. So here I am, years later still crafting the response that would make me feel superior. The response that would put him in his place. The e-mail where I WIN!
OMG! I was so worked up, and yet… I could barely remember the names of the people involved! I was angry, energetically being manipulative and locked into to controlling the outcome of a situation that was OVER long ago.
However, it hit me… This was an opportunity to let this go! To be done with it. To recognize that I had been holding on to this emotional wounding for way to long! I started pulling this energy out of me and releasing it! Literally! I was grabbing at the air in front of my throat and pulling long cords and gobs of energies out and away from me. It felt weird at first… But it also helped to fortify and increase my intention of letting this old situation go! I began feeling lighter and the memories of the event slipped away!
A night or two later and I found myself awake at 3am. I realized I was thinking about situations from my childhood that I haven’t thought about in years. My natural inclination would be to get up and distract myself, until I could fall back asleep. Play a game on my iPad, read a book, anything where I would not be thinking about all the random thoughts.
Once again it hit me… What about staying with these old memories that were presenting themselves in the moment. I realized that these memories were of a time where I felt so vulnerable and/or scared as an adolescent. By staying with them and not looking for a distraction… I could feel the fear, sadness, and threat that this memory held. I thought about current day… And what I would do, in a situation like this today.
I went and grabbed a crystal. A 15lb Smokey Elestial, and I placed it next to me, where I could put my hand on it. The grounding and clearing energies of this transformational tool… helped to soften the perspective of the events from all those years ago. I started to reflect on not only the impact to me, but also my brother, sister and several friends. I started to look back with compassion. To see how this could shape and influence many decisions and choices we all might make in the future. How we might hold a belief or judgement about a situation. i could see that at the time, none of us really had the language, awareness or insight to even begin to put this situation into meaningful words. We were just kids.
Working with this crystal and being willing to stay with the memories, allowed me to find the importance of this event. It allowed me to find forgiveness for the me, who at that age, didn’t have the skills to cope effectively with it. Compassion for the me who felt victimized by my own choices and actions. Insights into how it influenced my behavior for years to come.
It feels integrated now… It feels soothed and healed. AND, it had been buried so deep… I didn’t know it was even still there.
I like using these new tools and techniques for being with and shifting these experiences. It feels right, it feels easy. Now all I have to remember is to stay present and put these and similar tools, skills and techniques to work for me when these situations present themselves! Who says you can’t change the past!?!