Have you ever had one of those days when you wonder; “What am I pursuing?”
You could substitute the word pursuing with a different one such as doing, chasing, after, looking for, etc. But in general, you get the drift. What am I searching for?
At one point, I think we all search for the purpose of our life. Why are we here? The meaning of this life. I remember very well this sense of being content with my life, but still unsure of my own purpose. For a while, that became what I was pursuing. Life’s purpose.
It felt close, but elusive. If I didn’t know my purpose, did that mean that what I was doing was not enough; or fulfilling; satisfying? I remember at one time wanting to understand the meaning or purpose of this life so badly, that I was willing to upset everything in order to figure it out.
I am no longer searching for my life purpose. I understand why I am here, at least in a way that makes sense to me. Yet, I still feel the energy of being in pursuit of something.
But why? What am I pursuing? Am I missing something? Will life be <more, better, complete> if I find this elusive thing that I am after? Or have I just gotten so use to chasing after something, that I don’t know how not to be pursuing?
As I sit with this, it feels as if there is some truth to the idea or concept that I am pursuing something, because that is what I do. Then it begs the question “is this simply the doing versus being analogy all over again?
Although there may be a component of this. I think that this idea of searching or pursuing is its own addictive activity. We get rewarded or recognized for what we capture, conquer or acquire. It has been the nature of humankind for centuries. So much so that it is part of our nature, part of our DNA. We don’t have to know exactly what we are chasing, just a vague concept will suffice. Or perhaps it has a very specific target! A degree or certification, account balance, address, or bright shiny thing. Perhaps it is to know ourselves at our core and to perfect this human experience.
Yet now.., it feel like a great time to ask myself… Why?
What would happen if I simply enjoyed life? How about if I let “it” come to me on its own terms. That rather than having an agenda or something that I am after or pursing… Maybe I could simply interact and dance with what presents itself.
What if I valued the experiences I was having, versus trying to create some new experience by looking or searching for something different, than that which is right in front of me?
Perhaps I am arrogant enough to believe that the only way I will create, have or enjoy all that this life has to offer is if I go after it with all the effort I can muster. Pursue it until I find it. As if the Universe isn’t already aligned to provide everything I need. Maybe this is one more level of my attempt or desire to control! I pretend I already know what is important or meaningful, simply by pursuing it! Gosh, I feel the arrogance and humility that co-exists in this way of thinking. The desire for more and the expectation for it to be a certain way!
I know it is my nature to pursue. Yet in this moment, I long to be still and to see what is naturally revealed.
With Light, Love, and Laughter