This mornings grid is for “Fun”. The components are confident, stimulating, guided, flowing, foundational, natural, abundant, prosperous, mind, body, spirit.
Initially when I awoke, I was feeling as though maybe I was sinking in or settling into this solo retreat thing. However, as the day wears on, I think instead maybe it is my mind, or more accurately my ego, playing a game with me.
I find myself having thoughts about how I have already got what I needed from this experience… And perhaps it would be okay to go online… Maybe download a book. At one point I was thinking about exploring Pine.
It took a bit for me to notice what was going on and to realize that this is uncomfortable. I am not sure what do do with myself, if I don’t have something to do. I can even find resistance to the mundane or chores… Folding my clothes, making the bed, that sort of thing. It is as if there is a voice inside my head saying… You can’t make me!
It is interesting to catch this… As I think this is something that happens all the time. Our egos are resourceful… And they have different tapes or recordings they can pull out when the current message begins to lose its affect, keeping us in line or, from the egos perspective, safe.
For the last two days I have been very aware of (because my ego has been talking to me about) my weight, energy level and health. Today… (The message from my ego is that) Everything is fine and I don’t have to stick with that boring old routine of being alone! How is that for a masterpiece of ego work?
The message from the ego didn’t have anything to do with food, exercise or weight loss… It had to do with boredom… Being already enlightened enough! Wow.
The thing is, as long as I stick to the plan… I will be eating healthy. Not because I couldn’t be tempted by some sweet desert or greasy meal… But because, healthy is all I have here! So the ego can’t dangle a favorite treat in front of me… Cause there aren’t any here.
I am also aware of another trick that I (or my ego) uses to sabotage myself. When I refocus on being healthy. It goes something like this: “okay… I get it, I need to be healthy… I’ve been good for almost three days… Is the weight almost gone”?
I want immediate satisfaction or gratification. It sure seems like the voice of a spoiled child!
We are all bombarded with these kinds of internal messages, depending on our situation. We all have previous hurts, disappointments, loss, broken dreams or desires, longings, etc… Some of us operate under the rule of one or more aspects of self… (adolescent, child, critical parent, negative ego) for a good part of the day!
So how do we align the aspects of ourselves so that the healthy adult is in charge? Trust me, not all adult aspects of ourselves are healthy! I have a masterful disciplinarian aspect-of-self, that has a very adult energy! Critical parent voice? Oh, yeah, got that one too!
However in amongst all the mixed messages and voting that goes on in our heads… There is the current you and me that wants to be heard, whose voice must be heard, if we are going to experience life in this moment. The question is-how do we turn up the volume on THAT voice?