Crystal grid for today is “Releasing Anger”. The crystals represent the following… Discovery, comprehending, contemplation, expression, learning, savor, own, release, breathe, allow, adjust.
I went to sleep last night knowing that there was something brewing. Something that wanted to reveal itself, that had gone unnoticed. This morning, I think I know what that is and it the reason I chose the particular grid for today.
This may be a bit had to convey properly, because I don’t want to leave you with the wrong impression. So let me start by saying up front… I love being gay and I love the Spiritual Being that I am.
Yet last night, I was aware that I was angry about both!
The other thing that I realized as I sat with this, is that when I trace the anger back or try to find who I am angry with… It is God. Which of course makes me aware that in this instance… I am thinking of God in the Christian sense. Old bearded white guy sitting on a throne somewhere.
So this is my first clue that this anger is being held by my adolescent-self. And he doesn’t think God played fair! Life would be so much easier if I didn’t have to deal with being gay, or connecting to my spiritual journey in a unique way! If I could just look and be like the majority… If I could conform… If I fit in… Life would be easier!
I think one of the things that reminded me of this was yesterday I was doing a video blog. I heard myself say, that “coming out” as a gay man was practice for coming out as a spiritual being and the meaning “Never Thirsty”.
You see, even though it was easy for me to accept that I was gay… It took a long time for a lot of people in my life to not see it as a problem or dysfunction. Many of my family or friends who no longer even think about my being gay as anything more than a part of who I am… Didn’t start out that way. Their journey to acceptance of my sexuality took a lot longer. In many ways, it felt like having to prove over and over again that there was nothing wrong with me.
My coping mechanism during this time was that I would do anything to ensure I felt anything but “less than”… which meant I used “better than” as a shield and/or weapon! And, I mastered it!
Well the same is true about my spiritual beliefs and practices. It would be a whole lot easier to conform to the religious beliefs of others… the majority. In this case, here in the US (at this time), that would be one of the many forms of Christianity. Or even if another major religion resonated with me… Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, etc… It might be an adjustment, but at least you could point someone to a book that says here are the teachings that I connect with.
It is a bit harder when you feel your connection to All-That-Is, yet didn’t get the manual!
Then… Out of the blue, I begin to connect with crystals and minerals! They become part of my spiritual tool chest and evolution. How do you explain THAT to the people around you, who have found a different way of navigating their journey? It might be different if I had been born to hippie or bohiemien parents! But I can tell you… Charlie and Ruthie were not that!
So once again, I find myself on the outside trying to prove my worth. Trying to convince people I am not crazy… Or have not gone off the deep end. It pisses me off! It would be so much easier if I could just be NORMAL!
So… Somewhere down inside of me… I have been holding on to anger about the hand I’ve been dealt… And, because i believe I create everything in my life… that means I have been angry with me!
I LOVE being gay and LOVE exploring the uniqueness of my spiritual journey! So if I could wave a magic wand and change anything in my life. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Now, I need to go release and heal some old anger that no longer serves me!