Are you feeling like you are in a constant state of transformation and change, yet can’t quite figure out how, what, why and where it is all leading? If so.., we might be on the same track.
There are times when I feel it so intensely, that it am sure my whole world is being turned upside down (and then shaken!). However, when I look around, it is not the circumstances in my physical world that are changing. Same home, same career/business, same friends, same goals, same husband. It just doesn’t feel like the same ‘me’.., interacting with it all.
So what is actually changing? Why does it feel like life is in a constant state of chaos and change? Where does this all lead?
I realize that I have been looking for what is new. Perhaps the real way for me to measure this is; what is happening to the old!?! You see, much of what I am really aware of is that the old ways of operating don’t work for me anymore. The thoughts I have are very different than they were before. My emotional reactions to well known situations are no longer predictable. There is a shift in my attitude and beliefs. I am changing the raw materials that I work with. As a result, it seems there is a state of flux in everything that surrounds me.
The circumstances, situations, people, places and things are not changing. How I relate to them is! When I slow this down, I am aware that this is a good thing! Yet, it is unsettling just the same. Not because something is not working out or something is wrong; but because I don’t know who this new version of me is… Yet! And by the time I figure one thing out, something else is shifting in the field.
It is as if I set down an old belief; imagine I know what my new belief is; only to discover that the new belief doesn’t quite fit either. Everything I have used to navigate my daily life is in question. Rather than working with a set of seemingly solid rules developed over an entire lifetime, everything is fluid and malleable.
As I contemplate what is going on, I am surprised to see that one of the biggest components in this sense of constant change, is letting go of the illusion that ‘I am in control’! Damn.., I didn’t see that one coming! I should have, but I didn’t!
We attempt to control the people and circumstances in our lives by restricting, directing, restraining, ignoring, demanding or trying to hold things in check. Motivated usually by a sense of safety, security and stability or perhaps fear of losing a part of our identity. We convince ourselves that if we do (or get others to do!) certain things, we can maintain what we perceive as valuable or avoid what is bad.
Most of us are learning that having ‘control’ is the ultimate illusion. I worked hard for years trying to keep all the pieces and players in check. The goal was always to manipulate the outcome as a way to maintain my sense of identity and self-worth. But that was when I thought my identity and self-worth were based on external ‘things’. That jobs, titles, homes, cars, relationships, bank accounts, stocks, investments, credit scores and zip codes meant something about me!
When these external measuring devices are no longer how we define ourselves and instead we look to our internal resources; things start to shift! And if you’re like me and you have or had a lot of external measurement and goals you were trying to control; the recalibration to a new internal guidance system can be a lengthy endeavor!
And yet… It’s worth it!
Developing our internal resources such as the ability to sense and feel what truly resonates for us and what doesn’t is invaluable. When we stop resisting what is, it is easier to find the flow. Which in turn means, rather than working your ass off trying to control outcomes, you trust yourself to dance with whatever presents itself. It is very expansive and freeing. There is great personal satisfaction that can not be achieved in any other way. AND it will probably feel like a lot of non-stop transformation and change.
If you are experiencing something similar.., know you are on the right track!