I get a lot of feedback on my weekly blog/newsletter… Most of the time it is positive and encouraging. This past week, I received the following e-mail:
“Hello, In case no one has told you your e-mails and letters use to be so uplifting. Sorry to say I just don’t even read them anymore! They are just a downer! Not this one it’s been the last few months!
Hope things get better for YOU!”
It took me a little bit by surprise, because, I was not aware that my weekly musings had taken a downward turn in terms of tone or content. So I sat with it for a couple of days trying to absorb any truth that was there and to let anything go that didn’t feel like it was mine to own.
It got me thinking about the past few months and what might, in some subtle or undetectable way, be influencing the way I communicate my experience(s). I have been feeling blessed and amazed by my life, most of the time. Yet, there is also some confusion, discomfort and even awkwardness that is occurring!
You see, in the past (50 years!) I have looked to the circumstances of my life to figure out what was or needed to change, shift or was simply “going to hell in a hand basket”! I can’t tell you how many times I moved or changed jobs; started or stopped a relationship; lost weight, gained weight or began to focus on health or let myself go.
When I sensed the need for change or it felt like I was in transition; it was easy to look to the circumstances of my life and make adjustments there.
Well the past six months has been very different. I can feel the intense energies associated with change and transformation. Yet, when I look to the circumstances of my life.., my husband, home, family, friends, business, health.., there is nothing there that I want, need or feel compelled to change. But how I relate and interact with all of it feels different. Not better, not worse. Just different. So this shift or change that I am experiencing is all internal.
It really makes me wonder how many times in the past have I felt an internal shift; then turned it around and made it about the external circumstances of my life? Did I really need to change jobs or positions when I felt the stirring or longing for more? Did I start or end relationships because of the desire for or resistance to intimacy? How many times have I changed the external circumstances of my life, when what I really needed to do was be with the discomfort or growing pains of my own internal shift or personal growth.
Now mind you, I realize that many of the changes that have occurred with people, places and things were absolutely perfect and were part of creating and manifesting my desires and dreams. At the same time, I am also aware that this is not the first time I have felt the discomfort of simply being. Feeling the energies of a shift or change and yet not being able to define who, what when or where! This is just the first time I am willing to sit with it.
To get back to the feedback I received. I realize a couple of things. My sense of confusion or discomfort with not knowing what this time of transformation is all about, may come across as negative or a downer to someone else (even if that is not my intention). And, I am done with making changes in my physical reality, when that is not what is being called for. The old analogy of trying to fix your hair by reaching for your reflection in the mirror, comes to mind. That is not where the real change happens!
With Light, Love, and Laughter